How to talk about death and dying
Does your family know what kind of medical care, rituals, ceremonies or memorials you want at the end of your life? Do you know what they want? We all have different relationships with death. They are shaped by our personal beliefs, experiences, culture, family history and current life circumstances. We are all different. But the one thing we do have in common is that dying and death will be a part of our lives. The simple fact is that we’re all going to die, and most of us will experience losing people we love and care for during our lifetime. So, let’s talk about it.
Why it helps to talk about death and dying
For some cultures talking about death and dying is normal. For others it can be deeply uncomfortable or upsetting. The research shows two key benefits:
Having conversations about these subjects within families and communities and with our health care providers can help us prepare emotionally for our deaths and others’.
Talking about what we what we would want our own experience of dying to be like makes it more likely that we get the type of care we would prefer at the end of our lives.
When people who haven’t had conversations about death and dying become seriously ill or unexpectedly injured, others have to make decisions on their behalf about the medical care they get. This can be really distressing if, for example, family don’t agree on what the right choices are, and it can mean the person gets treatments that they wouldn’t have chosen for themselves.
Making decisions about death and dying before a crisis situation lets us think about our options, consult with family, friends and doctors, and when we make a plan, live life knowing that our wishes are now clear. While you can formalise these decisions as part of advance care planning, having a conversation about it with those close to you is at least a good start. You can always change your mind later, if at another stage you feel differently.
What to talk about
Below is a list of topics to consider. It’s alright if these are things that you think about and discuss over time, rather than tackling them all in one giant conversation!
Any end of medical life care
An advance health directive is an outline of the medical treatment and health care you want. It is to be used if you can no longer make decisions for yourself due to illness or injury. It can contain specific instructions about medical treatments you do or do not want to receive in certain circumstances, or it can be more general, for example saying that you would like to receive all available medical treatment.
To create an advance health directive, you will need to have some sections signed off by a doctor, so it’s a good opportunity to talk with them about what the different treatment options and likely scenarios are, so that you have a clear understanding of your choices. You will also need to have your signature witnessed – by who will depend on what the law says where you live, by normally someone like a Justice of the Peace.
Donation
If you would like to be an organ or tissue donor, or you want to donate your remains to science, it’s a good idea to register these things now. Discuss your choices with your family or friends so that they are prepared to honour your wishes when you die.
Who is your designated person?
You can choose who will make decisions on your behalf if you become ill or injured in a way that means you can’t make decisions. If you legally appoint someone to have enduring power of attorney, they can make health and financial decisions on your behalf.
Who do you need to connect with?
Think about the people you’d like to be in touch with or have around you while you are dying. Are there people you want to see or talk to before you die? There might be old friends or relatives you’d like to see, and people you are close you would like at your bedside during your final days. It might be important to you that your much loved pet is with you if possible.
Spiritual or cultural beliefs
You might have beliefs you want honoured, rites or ceremonies performed while you are dying or after you have died, or services you want held after your death. It might be important to you to return home, to be with family or to have access to cultural services and activities in your area. These needs might stem from religious or cultural beliefs, or might simply be things you think would be nice or special. Whatever your wishes, if it’s important to you; make it known.
Let people know how you feel about different burial practices, whether you would prefer a traditional casket or cremation, or an alternative practice or eco-friendly burial. You can pre-arrange some of these things yourself if you want, or write it in your plan.
Bucket lists
Is there anything you really want to do before you die? Deciding these goals can help you achieve them before you’re not in a position to. If you’re already in care, this information can also help your care team to help you to meet these goals if at all possible. These could be ideas of things you would like to do, or events you would like to attend, like a family celebration.
Starting the conversation
Starting conversations may not feel easy, but there are tools to help. Here are some examples:
Spiritual/Faith workers in your local community.
Sitting down with your GP. Talking to them about the fact that you are creating an advance health directive (plan for your end of life care) will also allow you to go over the practical aspects of end of life medical care, and understand what options will be available to you in specific circumstances.
End of Life Doulas
Companions who help dying people and their families and friends clear the air, face their fears and feel supported.
Hello is a really good conversation game you can use.
Death Café is an international non-profit movement that sets up spaces to talk about death and dying. Check out what is available near you, or online.
Keep in mind that talking about death and dying isn’t about having all the answers, in fact, it is likely to open up more questions than answers for you. You may not know how you feel about things like whether you want to receive CPR or where you would like to die, until you actually talk about it.
Ready to make a plan?
Death is a significant and inevitable part of life. Thinking and talking about it, understanding how you feel and what you believe, and sharing your wishes can give you peace of mind and allow others to take care of you as you want to be cared for. Check out our life plans.
