Coping with grief – theirs and yours
Grief is something that touches all of us at some time in our lives. It’s a natural response to loss, to losing something or someone we love, or to big changes in our lives. It can take many forms, deep sadness, shock, pain, or even anger can be signs someone is grieving. Everybody will process grief differently, depending on the kind of loss they experience.
If you, a partner, parent, or anyone close to you are dealing with grief, we hope this article will help you to understand the feelings around it, to see them as a normal part of the process, and to know that with time things will become easier and more manageable.
What loss can look like
There are many ways in which we can experience loss. As we get older, some of the more common forms of loss as we get older are:
People – this can be because of death, which might be sudden or over a long period of time if the person is ill. But it’s also normal to feel grief after someone is diagnosed with dementia, or they move to palliative care, because it can feel like you’ll never have that person ‘back’ again, as you used to know them. This can also be the case if someone moves into care and loses touch with people, or they can’t see friends or family so easily.
Health – a major diagnosis or a change in medical requirements (like starting in-home care or a new treatment programme) can affect how we feel about ourselves, or how we see people close to us. You might grieve for the things you can no longer do, the life you had before and maybe future plans that simply aren’t possible any more.
Identity/Independence – retiring from a job, no longer being able to drive, moving into a retirement home, or simply needing extra support at home can all have a massive impact on our sense of self and our independence. These can all be difficult changes to absorb and it can feel like you’ve left a big part of yourself behind.
Pets – animals are much-loved family members and are often furry fixtures in our lives for many years. It can be devastating when they’re no longer around, especially if they were a main companion, or a link to someone who has already died.
What grief can look like
Feelings that come with grief can include (but aren’t limited to):
Shock/numbness
Despair
Sadness/crying
Anger
Guilt
Fear/anxiety
Listlessness/lack of interest in life
Physical reactions such as nausea, stomach pains, headaches, lack of appetite, being tired all the time
Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
You might experience all of these things with grief – or none of them. However grief shows up for you, it’s important to take your time to process the feelings around it.
It might feel hard to see a life where the grief isn’t always present, but it will eventually become easier to think of who or what you have lost without the same level of pain or sadness.
Ways to help you cope with grief
Give yourself permission to grieve. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve and no set time to do it in. Everybody will do it differently and it’s important to be kind to yourself and take the time and space you need to work through it.
Family and friends. Spending time with people close to you can be a huge help when you’re grieving. Talking about your loss is also a good way to help you process the grief and understand how you’re feeling.
Keep some normality. The shock of loss can make it easy for day-to-day routines and activities to fall away, but try to keep them up as much as you can. Children, especially, find comfort in routine when things are changing around them. Try to keep things like meals and bedtimes on a normal schedule.
Avoid numbing the pain. Try not to use alcohol or drugs to lessen the feelings of grief. They might help to numb the pain briefly, but can cause more problems if you use them as a long-term solution. Instead, find distraction by getting outside for some exercise, reading a book, or seeing friends.
Say goodbye. You can do this however feels right for you. It might be at a funeral or memorial service, sitting on a beach at sunset, or visiting a spot that holds special memories. You could write a letter to them, or have a celebration in their memory. There are lots of ways that you might feel you can connect to the person to say goodbye, or find some closure. How you do it is totally up to you.
Don’t bottle it up. Expressing grief is an important part of the process. It can help to look at photos or videos of the person, reminisce with others, draw, write in a journal, or simply have a darn good cry. And you might need to do all these things many times. It can be helpful to sit with your feelings and reflect on your relationship with the person, rather than push those feelings away.
Reach out. If you feel like you’re struggling, or just need to talk to someone outside of your friends or family, then talking to a counsellor or calling a helpline can be useful. If you’re part of a religious, spiritual or cultural community then you might find extra support from other members or leaders within the group.
How to support someone through grief
It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving – sometimes it’s enough to just let them know you’re there. Some other ways to help are:
Be there for them if they want to talk, or just be a quietly comforting presence if they don’t.
Listen to them and acknowledge how they’re feeling.
Don’t feel that you need to lift their spirits – let them move through their grief as they need to. It’s more important that they feel supported and heard.
Help with things they may not have the capacity for, like food shopping and cooking, looking after children, and other jobs around the house.
Check in with them regularly as time goes on so they feel supported.
When extra help is needed
Although there’s no set timeframe for grief, sometimes we can find ourselves so deep inside it that it’s hard to see a way out. This can be when grief leads to depression and it’s important to recognise if this is happening.
Signs of depression:
Feeling like there’s no point going on
Feeling angry or sad all the time
Not finding enjoyment in anything
Thinking about harming yourself
Feeling like you can’t see an end to your grief
If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these feelings, it’s time to talk to a doctor, health professional or support line to get specific professional advice.
