7 simple ideas to help you talk with a person who has dementia
Dementia can make communicating with loved ones difficult. You love the person, but you might be finding it tough to spend time with them because you don’t know how to talk to them anymore.
Do either of these sound familiar?
You’re always trying to avoid saying things that might upset them.
They repeat themselves so much that you both get ‘stuck’ saying the same things and get frustrated.
Don’t worry, you're not alone. Here are some ways to create conversations that can be more enjoyable for both of you.
1. Meet them in their reality
This is so important when you’re speaking to someone with dementia. Dementia fundamentally changes a person’s reality – they no longer share yours. Facts may get muddled or forgotten, but correcting them isn't going to get you anywhere. We tend to challenge when we think facts are presented wrongly because it can feel like an attack on our own reality. But if you approach those changes with curiosity and interest instead, it can be really rewarding. So next time, try the following:
Join them, wherever and whenever they are. If they think they are 39 years old, not 89, then go there with them. If they say they’re waiting for a bus that you know isn’t coming then maybe offer to sit and wait for it with them. You may find your interactions are less frustrating and full of more shared ‘moments’ as a result. You may even get a glimpse into an earlier part of their life that you’ve never heard about before.
Try and tune into the emotions they’re expressing, which are much more important than what’s actually being said. If they’re smiling or crying as they tell a story then focus on the feeling and live with them in the moment.
TIP: Remember how powerful an apology can be. We’re all human and will get it wrong from time to time, so it’s helpful to remember how useful it is to be able to apologise (forget who’s right or wrong). Say something like, “I’m sorry I argued with you” or, “I’m sorry I upset you, I was trying to help. Tell me a bit more about….”
2. Go at their speed
Be patient. Conversations may take longer than they used to and that’s okay. If they’re stumbling or grasping for words, don’t try to speak on their behalf or let frustration get the better of you. Just smile, relax and wait for them to finish what they’re saying. Make a conscious effort to speak more slowly yourself, and if you realise you’ve said something a bit complicated then try re-stating it in a different, simpler way.
TIP: Don’t be afraid to stop and change what’s happening. If you find yourself pointing out errors or mistakes, stop. If you find you are raising your voice, stop. If you hear yourself saying: “Remember, I already told you that!”, it’s definitely time to stop. The number 1 rule is: Don’t argue with someone who has dementia. Number 2 is: Don’t rush them.
3. Learn new ways to ask questions
Don’t complicate your conversation with questions that can be hard to answer because they’re tricky to understand or need too much thought. For example, a question like “What would you like for dinner?” can be really tough because it’s so open-ended. Instead, try “Would you like beef or chicken for dinner tonight?” Even better, you could show them the two options (either by taking them into the kitchen, or with pictures) as visual cues can help.
4. Use props and visual cues
A photo album, magazine pictures or memory boxes can be great for opening up vivid and enjoyable conversations about their past. Everyone enjoys a trip down memory lane and it has therapeutic benefits for people with dementia, helping them to feel more confident. Props can also be a great way to manage some repeated questions:
A big easy to read calendar clock can be a way to communicate what day and time it is.
A whiteboard can be a simple way to remind someone what’s happening in a day. Tick things off as you go to help redirect questions about whether something has been done.
5. Learn how to read non-verbal cues
Look and listen. Learn to be a detective. Your brain works better than theirs, so use it. Step back and try to figure out what might be driving the person’s actions or repeated questions.
What are you seeing?
What are you hearing?
What might be their unmet need?
Why might they be doing what they’re doing?
What are they trying to communicate?
If they’re finding it difficult to communicate verbally, people with dementia can give big clues about how they’re feeling in other ways. For example, facial expressions, movements and gestures. Go beyond the words they’re using to work out if there’s something else they’re trying to tell you. The trick is to learn how to see things from their point of view. Are they in pain, feeling sad, worried or agitated?
TIP: If you’re stuck, try using pictures to help you work out what’s going on.
6. Speak with the language of touch
Words are not always needed. Touch can be a very powerful form of communication. Holding someone’s hand might tell them instantly that they are safe and you are someone they can trust. A hug can convey warmth and closeness far more adeptly than words.
TIP: Incorporate touch into your time together. Something connecting like a hand or foot massage with nourishing natural creams that soothe their skin and smell great can be a wonderful way of spending quieter time with them.
7. Don’t be afraid of silence
Sitting quietly with someone you care about is okay to do. There is great comfort to be gained from companionable silence. Smiles and eye contact are meaningful ways to communicate. Being present and relaxed can help the person with dementia feel at ease and therefore more likely to open up and chat, even if they don’t quite remember who you are. If the silence is too much for you, put on some of their favourite music or a film they love and enjoy that together – you will probably find it helps you both relax.
TIP: Music for relaxation. Set up a playlist of songs they love and use it as part of an evening ritual for relaxing before dinner. This can help both of you to navigate the part of the day that can be hardest when they’re tired.
Useful items
Memory boxes
Photo albums
Magazines
Music
Favourite films
Massage creams
Conversation cards
Books on how to talk to people with dementia
